How do I teach my boyfriend to become a better man?

Pastor Kitoto, I am a Christian and an auditor by profession. I am 22. I have never really been in a relationship, but I think I am in love now. I have been serving in the leadership of the Christian circle in university, a post that has grown my worldview. I have also been in a position to connect with people and introduce them to Christ. I have since finished school and have a job.

This guy, also a Christian, came to me early this year and told me he was interested in more than friendship.

My problem is that he hasn’t given our friendship a title, and though he calls me endearing names, he has never asked me to date him or be his girlfriend. I am considering leaving my job for full-time ministry, and he says that he will support me, though he doesn’t have a job. I also feel I am way much ahead of him in terms of career, spiritually, availability and even money-wise. Would this be an issue in the matter of submitting to him? I don’t want to be the man here, but I am the man, since he can’t even make a decision for us. Apart from talking to him about it, how else can I help him to become a better man?

Hi there, First, I must congratulate you for the focus you have, which brought you to where you are in your spiritual growth and career. That out of the way, relationships cannot put food on the table. Many have made the mistake of abandoning their work, career, or schooling and opted for a marriage that has left them miserable, having failed to count the cost of their decision. Great relational partners must first find fulfilment in who they are before they can get into a relationship. The truth is that relationships do not complete us. We must seek wholeness by working on our self-esteem and other elements.

Also, an insecure spouse must seek to deal with what causes the insecurity, otherwise it will be transferred to the way they express themselves in a relationship.

Second, it takes two to make a relationship work. Meeting and being attracted to someone is but the beginning of the journey. It is said that as soon as a woman’s heart falls for a man, she immediately starts to see herself in his life, including getting married to him and having children together, even before the man gives a nod towards engagement. I would suggest that you take time to evaluate this man’s values, beliefs and circle of friends to ascertain who exactly he is before you start contemplating a future with him.

Remember that when you marry someone, you also marry their background, associations, practices, beliefs and values. We marry the whole person. That courtship period is to ensure that you study his actions and the hesitations and let this inform your decision. Don’t be in a hurry just because you feel like you have fallen in love. In marriage, you will need more than this.

Getting into God’s work as a minister is a great thing. I would suggest that since this man is a believer the two of you have separate discussions on the future of your relationship and that of your careers. Of course this will be discussed from the perspective of seeking prayer for God’s guidance.

As for you, you should divorce your desire for full-time ministry from the relationship.

You have to ask yourself, “Suppose he decides that you are no longer the woman for him, would you still pursue the full-time ministry idea?”

I believe the most important thing here is to know for certain whether this is the way God wants you to go.

As a result, you will pray that God gives you a man who feels your burden and is willing to partner with you in marriage and ministry.

Ministry is a personal call that is both enjoyable and tough. The support we get from a spouse and friends is key, but our future success is based on our faithfulness to the call. Of course your worry is notable, but you cannot peg your decision for ministry on whether he will support you because he is not even engaged to you yet.

Before we even talk about submission, the issues you have raised concerning where he is with maturity in decision-making, career and financial matters should be considered carefully. This is where some spouses get disconnected from each other.

Many in marriage and relationships have been frustrated or even gone separate ways due to the indecision, slowness and lack of motivation from their spouse.

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